Men Jokes
(as told by women)
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snow-woman?
A snow-woman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
Bitter men say the cutest things...
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ...
it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Awww, my wife found out."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
bald and still think they are beautiful.
Bitter women say the cutest things.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or in the bathroom.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth, and they usually head
straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you
going all night long.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually
they are wrong.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.